What I Learned From my Toxic Friendships
No one sets off to find themselves in a toxic relationship, platonic or romantic. I think most people like to think they’re not the type of person to get caught up with the drama and pain of having being around someone toxic. A lot of the times it just happens, but once you’re in it, it can be hard to see and hard to get out of. I know it’s been hard for me to leave friendships behind, using excuses to justify their behavior. One of the things that held me back was the fact that my friends were not toxic in the way I expected.
We’ve all heard stories of friends who are cruel and are more along the lines of Regina George than Hermione Granger.
I had heard stories of toxic friends and I thought I knew what they looked like. I thought I would know I was in one when I came across someone toxic, but the reality is that relationships, even toxic ones, are not so black and white. There are moments of great care, support, and love. When I found myself in a toxic friendships there were a lot of care and support to counteract all of the negative and downright hurtful things that were also a part of the relationship. The fact of the matter was that, things just weren’t all bad, and sometimes things were good. So I tried to rationalize, make excuses, and justify all the bad shit that seemed to keep happening. They were struggling in school, with their mental and physical health, they’re stressed. In doing this, I found myself placing the blame on myself.
Because, it had to be my fault, right?
The first real toxic friend I became aware of was in my first year of college. Looking back I’ve had way more toxic friends prior, but this one, we’ll call her Brittany, was the first toxic friend that I actually had to come to terms with while we were still in each other’s lives. Our friendship was a whirlwind. We became close almost instantly, finding solace and comfort in each other’s company. I remember everyone telling me how college was the time you cultivate the closest, richest friendships you’ll have.And when I found Brittany I thought that our friendship was one of those that would last throughout university and that we would see each other through all the hardships. That ended up being untrue of our friendship but I did find that in a healthier, better friend.
She had this way of making people feel important and seen. She was a good listener and was always ready to show up for me. We spent a lot of our first college semester watching movies, sharing secrets, and stressing out about classes. But, she didn’t have very many other friends, I seemed to be the only real friend in her life. She would often say that I was her only real friend and at first I felt honored; happy even, to have that title. Thing was, she hated my friends. She gave me her reasons and I would shrug and say that they were really good friends and people I cared about. But that didn’t matter to her. Eventually she found a way to isolate me from all my other friends.
I found myself feeling the weight of the statement “You’re the only real friend I have here”.
I felt stuck; like I couldn’t stop being her friend. I did not want to let her down. I wanted to be a good friend. And good friends don’t walk away, they stick it out. Besides, I still felt like everything wrong with the friendship was my fault. I found myself feeling like this more often than not. it wasn’t until I went to therapy, in an attempt to better my mental health, that I realized that I had been manipulated and gaslighted. Just like in other unhealthy relationships I had, people would manipulate things and made me feel like I was always in the wrong. This trademark red flag was the hardest thing for me to accept, but once I did, it allowed me to work on letting her go. And eventually we both walked out of each other’s life.
You need other people to shine a light on those moments of disrespect and manipulation.
It’s so hard sometimes to walk away from toxic people when you feel isolated or don’t have people to support you. And that person could be a friend, a partner, a therapist. For me it was all three. They all validated my experience and made it easier for me to move on and let go of the guilt I had been holding onto. Once you have that, it’s easier to walk away, to listen to yourself. It’s easy to think that you should be able to listen to your gut and walk away. For me, I am still learning to trust myself enough to cut people off and move on. That’s why having other people who care about you is vital. They help teach you to listen to your gut and emotions. Moreover, they teach you that your experience is valid, which, quite frankly can be the hardest thing to learn.
That’s the thing about toxic friends; they are hard to spot and even harder to walk away from.
Toxic friendships are hard to navigate. But they are, as most things are, a learning experience. So take that knowledge and hold on to that, it could be one of the things that help you walk away from a future toxic friendship, relationship, or any toxic scenario. Use that lived experience to pick friends that are good and kind and full of genuine care. Toxic friendships are never going to be easy to leave. But, it does get to see the signs and red flags. It gets easier for you to stick with good people and to distance yourself from those who would ignore your boundaries.
